This was a question from a reader named Jim:

I have a general question…
I currently find myself in a rather difficult situation where I (a non member) of the Church of LDS have fallen for a devout believer. This is not a whimsical interest, we have known each other for nearly a year now, it is also a mutual interest, we have discussed our feelings for each and agree that there is a real potential for a relationship.

Now as I explained before she is a devout believer. This immediately creates some obvious obstacles given the fact that I am not a member, the main ones being:
No sex before marriage
No alcohol
No tea/coffee
Restricted activities on Sundays

Now I appreciate that these are only a few of the more general restrictions/guidelines that are in place. But we talked about them. Regarding the no sex before marriage I said why not give the relationship a go, then if in six months or so time we find out we are not that compatible, we could part, but if it is going very well we can continue. I have had sex before but have also been for long periods without it, and explained to her that if we were in a serious relationship that we both thought was heading somewhere I could handle holding off having sex until we were married.  As for the other things, I feel confident that we could work around them.

Anyway, just as it looked like we were reaching a situation where we might be about to give things a go, she told me about the temple, and how in order to be sealed/united together in this life and the next you need attend a ceremony there after your civil marriage ceremony in order for this to happen.  The catch…only LDS members can enter the temple.  Now this seems to have put the brakes on anything potentially happening between us. She’s of the view (as am I) that if we start dating it would become fairly serious and could well lead to marriage, but that as I am not a member we would not be able to be sealed united at her temple.  This idea crushes her I think.  She is also concerned about the difficulties of raising a family (she wants four children) that has a parent who is not a member of LDS.  She obviously wants to give her children the opportunity to join and is worried a non-member partner would make this difficult.  I have tried saying that I don’t think this would be such an issue, although not a member of LDS I do believe in god and live a clean lifestyle that would fit in with hers.

I think she is also worried that if she did have a crisis of faith, having a husband who was not a member would be difficult as he would not understand what she was going through and offer support/advice etc. on the subject.

So anyway, I have rambled on long enough, but I do have a couple of questions for you…
1) Is there any way of being sealed/united together in life without going through a temple
2) Are there strictly no exceptions whereby a non member could enter a temple?
3) And thirdly what sort of general advice could you give us concerning the situation we find ourselves in?

Thanks for your help

-Jim

Here is my response:

Jim, thank you for your question. You seem to be very understanding and willing to be patient. I can’t say there are any easy answers, though.

1) Is there any way of being sealed/united together in life without going through a temple?

You can be united together in life without going through the temple, because the church recognizes all legal civil marriages as binding for the duration of life, “as long as you both shall live.” And such a relationship can be very rewarding, but the problem (as you already know) is that it falls short of the goal your paramour has dreamed of since she was young: “For time and for all eternity.”

It’s a powerful motivating force in my life.  My family plans on being together forever, and because of that we are interested in creating worthwhile bonds now.  It also helps us make good decisions in other areas of life, since we don’t want to diminish the family by letting our standards slip and losing our promise.  The promise is obtained through covenant with God and is known as “sealing.”

The ordinance of sealing is only performed in holy temples by men who have been authorized by God. It isn’t available anywhere else.

2) Are there strictly no exceptions whereby a non-member could enter a temple?

It’s a lovely thought to want to have this ceremony for the sake of your girlfriend, but even if you had the sealing, without you believing in it and devoting yourself to it, there is no more promise in it than a civil marriage.

Only those who have prepared themselves in every way may enter the temple, and this includes baptism for remission of sins by an authorized priest, and reception of the Holy Ghost. It also includes an interview with a Mormon bishop to ascertain faithfulness (do you hold to chastity, honesty, temperance, etc?). You must also be willing to enter into certain covenants with the Lord.

In short, even just being a member is not enough to enter the temple. I’m sorry. There are no exceptions allowing anyone unprepared (including non-members) into a temple.

3) And thirdly what sort of general advice could you give us concerning the situation we find ourselves in?

There are three distinct scenarios I can see. It depends on how strongly you and she are willing to pull.

1. You marry civilly “until death do you part”
2. You receive baptism and prepare yourself for eternal marriage.
3. You split up.

#3 (split up) will happen if you decide against converting and she doesn’t give up her desire for eternal family. You might each still find a mate compatible with your ideals, so it’s not all bad, but obviously not what you want to hear.

#1 (civil marriage) is a possibility.  A quick visit to the local Justice of the Peace will have you married in the eyes of the law.  Plenty of latter-day saints belong to part-member families and many have found a way to “make it work,” but the heart of the issue isn’t the same as any other interfaith marriage.  It goes beyond being able to understand your spouse’s religion and deciding on where to take the kids on Sunday.  To a Mormon, marriage itself is a fundamental part of the gospel and the crowning glory associated with salvation.

She would see a civil marriage as compromising her long-standing commitment to herself and to God to be sealed for all eternity.  It would certainly be difficult for her, as you pointed out, Jim.  She may harbor secret hopes that you will eventually come around and join the Church after perhaps years of marriage; also, after your death she may wish to have you sealed to her by proxy — after a baptism for the dead. But even that is contingent on your posthumous desire for it. If you didn’t want it in life, it’s unlikely you’ll change your mind the minute you die. And without your permission, it will not be binding.

I do not endorse a civil interfaith marriage with a Mormon.  Not for you or anyone that is in any position to choose it.  The Mormon usually leads life pining for a relationship with eternal promise and despairing that it isn’t happening; often they let themselves slip away from God.  The non-Mormon feels constant pressure to convert and becomes annoyed that the problem doesn’t go away.  I’ve seen too many problem relationships.  If this heartache can be prevented, I advocate preventing it.

Such a marriage does not solve the problem you are facing right now, Jim.  It only delays solving it.  It will present you every morning with the same dilemma:  ask her to surrender hope for an eternal family, get yourself to convert, or dissolve the relationship.  Avoiding the question is to choose the first option.

#2 (eternal marriage) can happen if you allow yourself to investigate the religion seriously. This is the path that I advise. Invite the missionaries over for a few lessons and read the Book of Mormon with them.  After learning a bit more about the Church and understanding why we believe the things we do, you might find your original notions of Mormonism misplaced.  People usually find the missionaries’ lessons much more substantive and credible than they anticipate.

You indicated that you have faith in God, which is essential. Believe that He will answer your prayers, and ask Him whether you should join.  Believe that He will give you the desire for eternal family that will lead you to unite with her forever.

Jim, I hope I’ve added some clarity to your dilemma. I hope you can see it from her side as well. Meditate on it and pray for guidance. I know the Lord will answer. He answers my prayers frequently.

I’d also invite you to look around at our website. You might find some more answers there. And you are always welcome to email me directly. In fact, I’d very much like to know what you decide.

-Thaddeus

This is a good representation of what Mormons believe about how families should function.  Notice the love and mutual respect and admiration that everyone has as well as a desire to sacrifice for their loved ones.

Its also just a nice little message.

Interfaith dating is not prohibited but there is a slight caveat that goes with this. Generally, interfaith relationships are discouraged by many religious groups based on the inherent differences in such fundamental beliefs. That is, on top of personality differences, other differences in cultural and religious upbringing just add potential problems that must be dealt with. Something that is so basic to a person’s being, such as religious belief, can cause great problems down the road.

Dating can also be difficult when the standards between the two parties differ. Young Latter-day Saints are encouraged to date only those with similar standards and goals. That means those who keep the Word of Wisdom, the Law of Chastity, attend church and have a goal to be married in the temple. Since these are generally peculiar to Mormons, it can be hard for two young people to reconcile these differences. Pressure to change from one side to the other often occurs and, if left unchecked, will eventually destroy the relationship. Members of the LDS Church will do what is normal for him or her. No drinking, no smoking, keeping the Sabbath Day Holy, no pre-marital sexual relations, and others. A person who chooses to date someone who does not follow even one of these standards runs the risk of compromising his or her values, possibly creating a division in the relationship where the desires of both sides cannot be met.

While this division may or may not be crucial during dating, any division can be fatal to a relationship after a couple gets married. Since dating is a precursor to marriage, the question of inter-faith dating applies even more strongly to marriage. In my opinion, ideal marriages are built upon common trust and unity and a marriage that isn’t progressing towards those ideals is likely not progressing at all, which is a bad situation. A good, strong marriage is one where a man and a woman agree to put aside differences and work together. Religious differences can be difficult to put aside.

For the second question, the answer is yes. The “Mormon faith” accepts any individual (see 3 Nephi 18). That being said, don’t be surprised if you are encouraged to attend church and learn more about it. Mormons are Mormons because they enjoy what they believe and derive much happiness from it. And when any individual has something that makes them happy, they want to share it with others. I also encourage you to learn more about our faith if for no other reason than to understand what your significant other believes in.

An article was published in the church magazine, The New Era and answers the question from the point of view of the LDS member who asks if it is ok to date non-members.

All too often we find ourselves acting much like some of the Jews did at the time of Christ—we focus so much on the commandments that we are asked to live that we miss the big picture.

On the second day after Jesus arrives in Jerusalem, prior to his crucifixion and resurrection, he is at the temple teaching the people. In an attempt to “entangle” Christ, a Pharisee, who was a lawyer, asks Him, “Master, which is the greatest commandment in the law?” Jesus answers:

“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets” (St. Matthew 22:36-41, italics added for emphasis).

What does Christ mean when he says that all commandments and prophets hang on loving God and loving your neighbor? All commandments and teachings of all the prophets, both modern and ancient, are centered, built, and depend upon these two simple principles. Is it any wonder that Christ taught, “If ye love me, keep my commandments” (St. John 14:15)?

We frequently find ourselves tallying up the commandments that we need to live—praying daily, studying the scriptures, attending church, speaking with love to those around us, being grateful for all things, not entertaining immoral thoughts, and the list could go on and on. If we let ourselves become bogged down with living all of these commandments, it often leads to despair, because we realize that it is impossible to do or not do everything perfectly–the price of discipleship can seem unbearable. If we will rather turn our attention and focus to the two great commandments, loving God and loving all mankind, the rest of the commandments will take care of themselves. Prayer will happen naturally and be meaningful. Maintaining pure thoughts will be easier, speaking with kindness and love to everyone will be second nature. We will turn from sin much more readily and be much more inclined to do what Jesus would do, because of the love of God and love of all mankind that burns in our heart.

Loving God and loving others truly are the two great commandments. If we will focus on these two things, there will be nothing but joy and peace that flow into our life.

Longish answer:  Funny you should ask.  Historically there has been some widespread speculation about that, particularly with respect to Mary Magdalene.  Thanks in part to The DaVinci Code, the issue has become more a part of popular culture in recent years.  It’s a fascinating debate, filled with all kinds of gnostic gospels and symbolism and things.

The LDS Church has no official statement about the subject (despite some speculation by early Church leaders in the affirmative).  The Bible doesn’t say He was, the Book of Mormon doesn’t say He was, and neither does the book of Doctrine and Covenants.  But—and I’m hoping I speak for the majority here—I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find out He is, especially considering that we believe marriage and family to be a central and necessary aspect of full happiness in the eternities.  So, (purely my own opinion) I personally think He probably is, but I don’t think anyone now living knows for sure.

Incidentally, one of my favorite things about believing in continuing revelation and modern day prophets is that I have a good deal of hope that questions like these will be answered in the future through a prophet.  We don’t have to claim to know everything about everything now because the gospel is living and being clarified and added to all the time. It’s a luxury that’s somewhat unique to being LDS, and I like it.

The simple answer to the question is yes, but this is no place for a simple answer.  Let’s expand the question to:  “What is the religion’s stand on divorce?“  The answer in this case is:  The church wishes couples would work through their problems and stay married, but accepts the fact that divorce happens.

Marriage is a multi-level arrangement. In our current society it is a symbol of true love, the establishment of a new household, a legal partnership, and an economic contractual relationship. In other cultures a marriage may be the combining of two families households, or the woman may be nominally sold into the keeping of her husband and his family. Due to the uneven or unequal potential in the marriage relationship, religions and social customs have attempted to modify the power of the husband over the wife.  For example:

” Under Jewish law a man can divorce a woman for any reason or for no reason. The Talmud specifically states that a man can divorce a woman because she spoiled his dinner or simply because he finds another woman more attractive, the woman’s consent to the divorce is not required…This does not mean that Judaism takes divorce lightly. Many aspects of Jewish law discourage divorce… According to the Torah, divorce is accomplished simply by writing a bill of divorce, handing it to the wife, and sending her away. To prevent husbands from divorcing their wives recklessly or without proper consideration, the rabbis created complex rules regarding the process of writing the document, delivery, and acceptance. A competent rabbinical authority should be consulted for any divorce” (Judaism 101: Divorce).

When Jesus was being tempted by the Pharisees (Matthew 19), they asked him if it was lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause. He answered with two important statements; in verse 4 he replies, “Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female.” And then in verse 8, “He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.” ["Putting away" was another term for giving the wife a writing of divorcement.]
From his reply one could get the insight that God didn’t make one sex to rule over the other, he made them both, male and female and that what Jesus was hinting at was that equal regard should be given to both. From the second comment we can see that the cultural beliefs were pretty deeply embedded among the Jews and they probably weren’t ready for the introduction of a doctrine of equality of the sexes.

In our enlightened culture we have legally, at least, attempted to deal with both sexes equally. In the last 100 years laws have changed in most countries to allow marriages to be dissolved, the immediate result is generally a rapid increase in divorce as people free themselves from relationships that were not acceptable to one or both partners. Currently in America 50% of all marriages end in divorce. In a talk by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, he tells of the sorry situation in the Philippines:

“When a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it. I saw examples of this in the Philippines. Two days after their temple marriage, a husband deserted his young wife and has not been heard from for over 10 years. A married woman fled and obtained a divorce in another country, but her husband, who remained behind, is still married in the eyes of the Philippine law. Since there is no provision for divorce in that country, these innocent victims of desertion have no way to end their married status and go forward with their lives” (Divorce, Dallin H. Oaks)

A cornerstone in Mormon doctrine is the concept of the free agency of the individual. If the church were to make a hard and fast rule or policy condemning divorce then members of the church would be in similar circumstances as people in the Philippines. They wouldn’t be able to remain members in good standing while attempting to deal with life’s problems that a bad marriage might present. The church has increasingly spoken out on the issue of divorce. Elder Oaks continues:

“I have felt impressed to speak about divorce. This is a sensitive subject because it evokes such strong emotions from persons it has touched in different ways. Some see themselves or their loved ones as the victims of divorce. Others see themselves as its beneficiaries. Some see divorce as evidence of failure. Others consider it an essential escape hatch from marriage. In one way or another, divorce touches most families in the Church. Whatever your perspective, please listen as I try to speak plainly about the effects of divorce on the eternal family relationships we seek under the gospel plan. I speak out of concern, but with hope.”

Many other leaders have spoken on the subject, for further material please go to LDS.org and search under “divorce”. A general attitude of the church leaders is that two rational people should be able to work through problems if they pray for guidance, are humble, and are willing to work hard to preserve their marriage.  As Elder Oaks says, “A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman.  It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.”  However it is not advocated that a person should stay in a marriage that is abusive or dangerous. Since the church has emphasized family so much in the last half century there is a feeling that divorced people are somehow failures and don’t fit the mold.  In the past decade there has been a greater effort toward greater inclusion and acceptance of people who are divorced.

Temple marriage adds yet another level in the complex relationship of a marriage.  It secures for the married partners certain blessings and expectations, including the promise that the marriage will last beyond the grave.  Marital fidelity is stressed and expected. Sadly, some of these marriages end up in divorce as well.  Individuals that have gotten a civil divorce can also apply for a temple cancelation of their marriage.  For anyone in that situation your local bishop can provide you with more information.  For those not in that situation, don’t worry about it, just live up to the covenants made, whether civil or religious.  Give 100% to improving the marriage, treat your partner with respect and love, and you will grow as an individual as well as a couple in the greatest adventure you’ll ever embark on.

Great question. And you can be sure it’s one I asked myself many a time as a 15-year-old buck surrounded by a veritable plethora of charming young ladies.

This Mormon standard is spelled out in “For the Strength of Youth,” which is a booklet of principles and morals that the youth of the church are expected to live by. In the section on dating it says, “Do not date until you are at least 16 years old. Dating before then can lead to immorality, limit the number of other young people you meet, and deprive you of experiences that will help you choose an eternal partner.”
A former prophet of the church, President Gordon B. Hinckley, also remarked on this topic when he said, “The Lord has made us attractive one to another for a great purpose. But this very attraction becomes as a powder keg unless it is kept under control. . . . It is for this reason that the Church counsels against early dating” (read the amazing talk in its entirety here).

So there you have it. It’s the age that the leaders of the Church have set under inspiration from God. Their reasons for doing this are given in the above two statements. I see the whole thing as similar to the age requirement to be baptized. You have to be at least 8-years-old to be baptized and, while there doesn’t seem to be anything particularly special about the age of 8, Heavenly Father knew that setting that age as the standard would be in our best interest.

Plus, how are you going to pick up a date anyway before you have your drivers license? Take it from me, two people on one bike is painful. But then again, it might be a nice sneaky way to get close (uncomfortably close) to that special someone… At any rate, just wait to date and, believe me, it’ll work out great.

“And righteousness will I send down out of heaven; and truth will I send forth out of the earth, to bear testimony of mine Only Begotten…and truth will I cause to sweep the earth as with a flood, to gather out mine elect from the four quarters of the earth, unto a place which I shall prepare, an Holy City…and it shall be called Zion, a New Jerusalem” Moses 7:62

Throughout the ages the idea of Zion has been cherished in the scriptures as the place where the saints dwell. The psalmist described it as “the perfection of beauty” (Psalms 50:2) and the prophet Isaiah called it, “The city of the Lord, The Zion of the Holy One of Israel (Isa. 60:14).” While Zion can be considered an actual, geographical place, it also can refer to the state of heart in which the people of God live on this earth and because of its state of purity and unity of purpose before the Lord, it is the goal and dream of all the righteous to this day.

“And the Lord called his people ZION because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them” (Moses 7:18).

As it was their desire of old, it is our desire today to attain such unity. The Lord requires His people to be undivided; how else can they accomplish the great tasks He has in mind for them? Their hearts must be knit together and they must love and care for one another. How is it that we can accomplish this in our own lives? It is when we serve our God and our neighbor and are charitable toward them. Remember, the first great commandments are to love God with all our heart, might, mind and strength and then to love our neighbor as ourselves.

The restored gospel of Jesus Christ is crucial for this creation of Zion out from Babylon (or the world). It is through the application of gospel truths that people will be changed individually and collectively to live harmoniously as God desires for us. To this end, missionaries around the world are teaching this gospel and inviting people into Christ’s fold.

This endeavor will not be fully accomplished before the second coming of Jesus Christ but the growth will continue and fill the whole world until we are prepared to be blessed with the presence of Jesus Christ.

One of the wonderful talks given this past general conference was by Elder D. Todd Christofferson entitled, “Come to Zion” and is very much worth reading.

“Therefore, verily, thus saith the Lord, let Zion rejoice, for this is Zion – The pure in heart; therefore, let Zion rejoice” (D&C 97:21).

I had the feeling to discuss something else:

Before studying the scriptures this morning, I closed my eyes and offered a silent prayer. Often times (too often) I pray for the same, routine blessings, “bless me with thy spirit, help me understand, give me guidance, etc.” Nothing wrong with any of those things, just that they are so vague and I tend not to think too hard about them.

This morning I was about to do the same thing, but I paused and recognized a problem in my life. There is a person I treat poorly. Some would call it a ‘personality conflict,’ but it’s really all about pride. Mine and his. Mostly mine. Problem is (and it really makes me ill to admit), I’ve come to enjoy putting him down, and making him the butt-end of jokes. This morning in my prayer, I asked for the grace to want to love him with a Christ-like type of love.

I opened my Book of Mormon to Mosiah 4 and started reading, but the verses still floated in and out of focus. I’m sure you know the feeling of reaching the end of a page and thinking, “Do I remember anything I just read?” Anyway, I woke myself up enough once I reached Mosiah 4:12, which read,

And behold, I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice, and be filled with the love of God, and always retain a remission of your sins; and ye shall grow in the knowledge of the glory of him that created you, or in the knowledge of that which is just and true.

This stuck out to me. It was the exact answer to my prayer, but I had to go back and read the previous verses again to find out what the “this” was that I had to do.

And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel.

There is a lot there to ponder. What really made me think was that God is greater than us all, and he knows all of our weaknesses, yet he still loves this person I struggle with. Who am I, in my nothingness, an unworthy creature, to maltreat this person? Am I saying that my judgment of the man is better than God’s?

I need to submerge myself in ‘the depths of humility’ before Heavenly Father. It’s very easy to come to this conclusion, but a terrifying and difficult thing to do. It means surrendering what I think is good (or fun or funny) for what I know the Lord desires. It also means trying to see him in a better light and treating him as a child of God, an heir! This particular relationship will take time to mend, but at least it feels good to be heading in the right direction for a change.

If we put a little more thought and effort into our prayers, the answers that come will be more powerful and profound. I know that much is true.