This was a question from a reader named Jim:

I have a general question…
I currently find myself in a rather difficult situation where I (a non member) of the Church of LDS have fallen for a devout believer. This is not a whimsical interest, we have known each other for nearly a year now, it is also a mutual interest, we have discussed our feelings for each and agree that there is a real potential for a relationship.

Now as I explained before she is a devout believer. This immediately creates some obvious obstacles given the fact that I am not a member, the main ones being:
No sex before marriage
No alcohol
No tea/coffee
Restricted activities on Sundays

Now I appreciate that these are only a few of the more general restrictions/guidelines that are in place. But we talked about them. Regarding the no sex before marriage I said why not give the relationship a go, then if in six months or so time we find out we are not that compatible, we could part, but if it is going very well we can continue. I have had sex before but have also been for long periods without it, and explained to her that if we were in a serious relationship that we both thought was heading somewhere I could handle holding off having sex until we were married.  As for the other things, I feel confident that we could work around them.

Anyway, just as it looked like we were reaching a situation where we might be about to give things a go, she told me about the temple, and how in order to be sealed/united together in this life and the next you need attend a ceremony there after your civil marriage ceremony in order for this to happen.  The catch…only LDS members can enter the temple.  Now this seems to have put the brakes on anything potentially happening between us. She’s of the view (as am I) that if we start dating it would become fairly serious and could well lead to marriage, but that as I am not a member we would not be able to be sealed united at her temple.  This idea crushes her I think.  She is also concerned about the difficulties of raising a family (she wants four children) that has a parent who is not a member of LDS.  She obviously wants to give her children the opportunity to join and is worried a non-member partner would make this difficult.  I have tried saying that I don’t think this would be such an issue, although not a member of LDS I do believe in god and live a clean lifestyle that would fit in with hers.

I think she is also worried that if she did have a crisis of faith, having a husband who was not a member would be difficult as he would not understand what she was going through and offer support/advice etc. on the subject.

So anyway, I have rambled on long enough, but I do have a couple of questions for you…
1) Is there any way of being sealed/united together in life without going through a temple
2) Are there strictly no exceptions whereby a non member could enter a temple?
3) And thirdly what sort of general advice could you give us concerning the situation we find ourselves in?

Thanks for your help

-Jim

Here is my response:

Jim, thank you for your question. You seem to be very understanding and willing to be patient. I can’t say there are any easy answers, though.

1) Is there any way of being sealed/united together in life without going through a temple?

You can be united together in life without going through the temple, because the church recognizes all legal civil marriages as binding for the duration of life, “as long as you both shall live.” And such a relationship can be very rewarding, but the problem (as you already know) is that it falls short of the goal your paramour has dreamed of since she was young: “For time and for all eternity.”

It’s a powerful motivating force in my life.  My family plans on being together forever, and because of that we are interested in creating worthwhile bonds now.  It also helps us make good decisions in other areas of life, since we don’t want to diminish the family by letting our standards slip and losing our promise.  The promise is obtained through covenant with God and is known as “sealing.”

The ordinance of sealing is only performed in holy temples by men who have been authorized by God. It isn’t available anywhere else.

2) Are there strictly no exceptions whereby a non-member could enter a temple?

It’s a lovely thought to want to have this ceremony for the sake of your girlfriend, but even if you had the sealing, without you believing in it and devoting yourself to it, there is no more promise in it than a civil marriage.

Only those who have prepared themselves in every way may enter the temple, and this includes baptism for remission of sins by an authorized priest, and reception of the Holy Ghost. It also includes an interview with a Mormon bishop to ascertain faithfulness (do you hold to chastity, honesty, temperance, etc?). You must also be willing to enter into certain covenants with the Lord.

In short, even just being a member is not enough to enter the temple. I’m sorry. There are no exceptions allowing anyone unprepared (including non-members) into a temple.

3) And thirdly what sort of general advice could you give us concerning the situation we find ourselves in?

There are three distinct scenarios I can see. It depends on how strongly you and she are willing to pull.

1. You marry civilly “until death do you part”
2. You receive baptism and prepare yourself for eternal marriage.
3. You split up.

#3 (split up) will happen if you decide against converting and she doesn’t give up her desire for eternal family. You might each still find a mate compatible with your ideals, so it’s not all bad, but obviously not what you want to hear.

#1 (civil marriage) is a possibility.  A quick visit to the local Justice of the Peace will have you married in the eyes of the law.  Plenty of latter-day saints belong to part-member families and many have found a way to “make it work,” but the heart of the issue isn’t the same as any other interfaith marriage.  It goes beyond being able to understand your spouse’s religion and deciding on where to take the kids on Sunday.  To a Mormon, marriage itself is a fundamental part of the gospel and the crowning glory associated with salvation.

She would see a civil marriage as compromising her long-standing commitment to herself and to God to be sealed for all eternity.  It would certainly be difficult for her, as you pointed out, Jim.  She may harbor secret hopes that you will eventually come around and join the Church after perhaps years of marriage; also, after your death she may wish to have you sealed to her by proxy — after a baptism for the dead. But even that is contingent on your posthumous desire for it. If you didn’t want it in life, it’s unlikely you’ll change your mind the minute you die. And without your permission, it will not be binding.

I do not endorse a civil interfaith marriage with a Mormon.  Not for you or anyone that is in any position to choose it.  The Mormon usually leads life pining for a relationship with eternal promise and despairing that it isn’t happening; often they let themselves slip away from God.  The non-Mormon feels constant pressure to convert and becomes annoyed that the problem doesn’t go away.  I’ve seen too many problem relationships.  If this heartache can be prevented, I advocate preventing it.

Such a marriage does not solve the problem you are facing right now, Jim.  It only delays solving it.  It will present you every morning with the same dilemma:  ask her to surrender hope for an eternal family, get yourself to convert, or dissolve the relationship.  Avoiding the question is to choose the first option.

#2 (eternal marriage) can happen if you allow yourself to investigate the religion seriously. This is the path that I advise. Invite the missionaries over for a few lessons and read the Book of Mormon with them.  After learning a bit more about the Church and understanding why we believe the things we do, you might find your original notions of Mormonism misplaced.  People usually find the missionaries’ lessons much more substantive and credible than they anticipate.

You indicated that you have faith in God, which is essential. Believe that He will answer your prayers, and ask Him whether you should join.  Believe that He will give you the desire for eternal family that will lead you to unite with her forever.

Jim, I hope I’ve added some clarity to your dilemma. I hope you can see it from her side as well. Meditate on it and pray for guidance. I know the Lord will answer. He answers my prayers frequently.

I’d also invite you to look around at our website. You might find some more answers there. And you are always welcome to email me directly. In fact, I’d very much like to know what you decide.

-Thaddeus

Of course this phrase isn’t strictly doctrinal, but it serves as a simple reminder of some very Christian practices. In our quest to emulate the savior we seek to become as he is: perfect, just and merciful (Alma 42: 15). Of course, we know that all men sin and “come short of the glory of God” (Rom 3:23). Yet we still cannot, as disciples of Christ, condone sinful practices, either in ourselves or others. For this reason we strive, as individuals, parents, friends, voting citizens and in all other capacities, to promote measures that encourage righteousness and discourage practices that go against the revealed will of God.

I personally find that understanding a person’s motives allows us to sympathize with them as individuals even though we do not condone their behavior. I think of Dostoyevsky’s novel “Crime and Punishment”, in which the protagonist is a murderer and another main character is a harlot. Throughout the novel you discover that the murderer and the harlot are both very human—almost pitiable. They are motivated by such common emotions as individualism, helplessness, despair and caring. This understanding does not justify them for doing wrong nor does it exempt them from punishment (as shown in the end). However, committing ourselves to treating all people as humans with human motives and desires allows us to love them more fully.

In the LDS Church, an unmarried couple is expected to live their lives according to the Law of Chastity.  That is, no sexual relations until marriage.  Cohabitation, even in abstinence, is discouraged for the inherent temptation and shaky foundation involved.

There are many ways to deal with this situation, and the most recommended is simply to get married.  Where a child is already born, you should think not only about your own happiness, but also your partner’s and your baby’s.  Doing what’s right for them will, in itself, bring you happiness.  Ensuring your child’s future means being a good parent and staying together, even through hard times.  From the Proclamation on the Family:  ”Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.”

Weddings don’t need to be elaborate, expensive affairs, either.  Any Mormon bishop will gladly perform the ceremony for free, and will even let you use the local meetinghouse for the services, also free.  The only cost is the marriage license you need to obtain from the state.  If this sounds like a good idea, get in contact with some local Mormons (the missionaries will be able to introduce you to the right people).

Interfaith dating is not prohibited but there is a slight caveat that goes with this. Generally, interfaith relationships are discouraged by many religious groups based on the inherent differences in such fundamental beliefs. That is, on top of personality differences, other differences in cultural and religious upbringing just add potential problems that must be dealt with. Something that is so basic to a person’s being, such as religious belief, can cause great problems down the road.

Dating can also be difficult when the standards between the two parties differ. Young Latter-day Saints are encouraged to date only those with similar standards and goals. That means those who keep the Word of Wisdom, the Law of Chastity, attend church and have a goal to be married in the temple. Since these are generally peculiar to Mormons, it can be hard for two young people to reconcile these differences. Pressure to change from one side to the other often occurs and, if left unchecked, will eventually destroy the relationship. Members of the LDS Church will do what is normal for him or her. No drinking, no smoking, keeping the Sabbath Day Holy, no pre-marital sexual relations, and others. A person who chooses to date someone who does not follow even one of these standards runs the risk of compromising his or her values, possibly creating a division in the relationship where the desires of both sides cannot be met.

While this division may or may not be crucial during dating, any division can be fatal to a relationship after a couple gets married. Since dating is a precursor to marriage, the question of inter-faith dating applies even more strongly to marriage. In my opinion, ideal marriages are built upon common trust and unity and a marriage that isn’t progressing towards those ideals is likely not progressing at all, which is a bad situation. A good, strong marriage is one where a man and a woman agree to put aside differences and work together. Religious differences can be difficult to put aside.

For the second question, the answer is yes. The “Mormon faith” accepts any individual (see 3 Nephi 18). That being said, don’t be surprised if you are encouraged to attend church and learn more about it. Mormons are Mormons because they enjoy what they believe and derive much happiness from it. And when any individual has something that makes them happy, they want to share it with others. I also encourage you to learn more about our faith if for no other reason than to understand what your significant other believes in.

An article was published in the church magazine, The New Era and answers the question from the point of view of the LDS member who asks if it is ok to date non-members.

Great question. And you can be sure it’s one I asked myself many a time as a 15-year-old buck surrounded by a veritable plethora of charming young ladies.

This Mormon standard is spelled out in “For the Strength of Youth,” which is a booklet of principles and morals that the youth of the church are expected to live by. In the section on dating it says, “Do not date until you are at least 16 years old. Dating before then can lead to immorality, limit the number of other young people you meet, and deprive you of experiences that will help you choose an eternal partner.”
A former prophet of the church, President Gordon B. Hinckley, also remarked on this topic when he said, “The Lord has made us attractive one to another for a great purpose. But this very attraction becomes as a powder keg unless it is kept under control. . . . It is for this reason that the Church counsels against early dating” (read the amazing talk in its entirety here).

So there you have it. It’s the age that the leaders of the Church have set under inspiration from God. Their reasons for doing this are given in the above two statements. I see the whole thing as similar to the age requirement to be baptized. You have to be at least 8-years-old to be baptized and, while there doesn’t seem to be anything particularly special about the age of 8, Heavenly Father knew that setting that age as the standard would be in our best interest.

Plus, how are you going to pick up a date anyway before you have your drivers license? Take it from me, two people on one bike is painful. But then again, it might be a nice sneaky way to get close (uncomfortably close) to that special someone… At any rate, just wait to date and, believe me, it’ll work out great.

And so I thought, these inspired men are such a blessing and a resource in my life–everyone should know what they are saying. Which, obviously, is the point of broadcasting General Conference. For those of you who are interested in what modern-day prophets and apostles are advising, here is a summary of the things that they have really emphasized lately:

• Stay out of debt. Ezra Taft Benson spoke about this back in 1987! They have been warning us to avoid unnecessary debt for decades. Hmm, do you think they anticipated the calamitous financial crash of 2008? You betcha. It takes years to get out of debt, once you have accumulated it, so they gave us plenty of time to be free of it. Unnecessary debt is consumer debt. They say that the only things that are okay to take out loans for are school and a home. You should buy everything else when you can afford to buy it.
• Stay away from pornography. The apostles and prophets started emphasizing this before the internet really made its public debut. David B. Haight spoke about it in 1984, referencing the magazines, books and movies that were addictive and destructive. Since then there has been a steady crescendo both in intensity and occurrence in warning people to stay away from pornography. “Avoid pornography as you would a plague” is sound advice. So many homes are broken by this addiction. It destroys relationships.
• Store a year’s supply of food and have extra money on hand for hard times. The prophet and apostles have stressed self-sufficiency for, well, forever. They have advised us to accumulate everything that we would need for a year or more. Recently, with the talk of an upcoming flu pandemic, they have really stressed at least putting away a 3-month supply of food (the time it would take for the quarantine to be lifted). This is seriously important advice. EVERYONE needs to put away enough to live on for three months. Do it. Whether you are Mormon or not.
• Be modest. Modesty in dress and speech and action demands respect and honor. This counsel is directed mostly at teens, but everyone benefits from this counsel. So many women are treated as objects both by men and other women–girls are advised to take back their self-respect by not presenting themselves as just a “body” to be admired, but a mind, heart, and soul–a complete person. Modesty protects. “Modest” doesn’t mean wrist and ankle-length clothing (though, undeniably, that is modest), it means covering your shoulders and cleavage. Not wearing anything too high (much above the knee) or too low or too tight (all of this applies to boys too). Tattoos and multiple piercings are also in this category. Any time you wear something that attracts all of a person’s attention to your body, that is immodest.
• Law of Health (Word of Wisdom). This has been reiterated since the time of Joseph Smith. The Word of Wisdom has been addressed on this blog before, but basically there are do’s and don’ts. Do: eat healthy foods, in their season, and in moderation. Don’t: Drink strong drinks (alcohol), hot drinks (coffee and tea), or use drugs unwisely (legal and illegal). If you want to be healthy, follow this counsel and add to it exercise and preventative check-ups.
• Family time. The family is the central unit of society and of the church. Church leaders have encouraged us to have “Family Home Evenings” once a week (Mondays), family prayer and scripture study daily, and engage in family activities often. Nothing comes before the family (except our own personal relationships with God), not even Church activities or functions. Have family dinners as often as possible. Talk to your children/parents openly. Doing so will strengthen your family which will, in turn, help school work, self-esteem, friendships, trust, careers–everything. When a family is strong and children know that they can rely on their parents, that relieves a great burden from them and they can use their energy to excel.

There are more, but these are the things that our prophets have been advising us to do with the most fervor lately. They may seem like common sense, but how many of them do you really do? Those who follow this counsel are blessed to be happy, healthy, and prepared for the future. I encourage you to do it too. And if it seems unlikely that we would have a contemporary prophet in our time, remember that that is what Noah’s contemporaries thought too. And look where it got them.

The official church stance on birth control is that this is a decision to be made solely between husband, wife and the Lord. We believe that children are a wonderful blessing and that the commandment God gave to Adam and Eve to multiply and replenish the earth is still in force today. Husband and wife are encouraged to ponder the blessing that children bring and take the decision to God in prayer.

Members are reminded that finances, schooling and other worldly concerns are not God’s concerns. Sometimes faith is required when the world would say, “That doesn’t seem wise, considering your circumstances.” I have known couples who have waited to begin their families until their positions become more secure and I have known couples who have started their families despite many secular obstacles. It is not the position of any outsider to make a judgment on such a private, individual matter. What is right for one couple may not be right for another.

Sexual intimacy brings new life into the world, but that is not its sole purpose. God intends sexual relations also to be an expression of love between husband and wife, an important part of a loving, faithful, flourishing marriage.